The Conundrum Column

(Unedited)

“Who does the Conundrum Column?” asked Minerva,
looking up from The Billiard Monthly.

“The what?”

“The Questions and Answers. You know. I think they
are awfully jolly. That chap must have a lot of patience to
bother about all the people who want to learn things. I
couldn’t.”

“I should think not,” I said. “Why, that is the most
important work in the paper. It takes a player of some
capacity to play Socrates”

“All the same,” she interrupted, “I should just love to
have a try. It must be frightfully interesting work. Do
you think the editor would let me take it on if I wrote a
nice letter to him? Of course, I would offer to do it for
nothing the first month.”

I ignored the question. Minerva learned to play billiards
only last winter. I did not remind her of that fact. But it
evidently occurred to her. For she went on to say. “I
admit I haven’t had very much experience of the game; but
I’ve got ideas. You put a lew questions to me and see”

“All right,” I said. “I’ll go back over the file and pick
out one or two winners.”

“Not too hard ones to begin with,” she suggested.

I searched the back numbers. “Here is one on how to
prevent the loss of a ball. The question is: ‘In practising
what is termed the Gray stroke I soon find myself going for
the top corner pockets and am frequently pulled up by finding
both balls disappear into those pockets. What is the
best way to avoid this?'”

Minerva reflected. “I know. Take a saddler’s needle
and a strong waxed thread and sew up both corner pockets
neatly. If this does not serve the purpose let both balls be
removed from the room before the player begins practising.”

“That’s absurd!”

“It would be effective,” retorted Minerva. “Give me
another.”

I quoted:—”‘In standing at the table should the right
leg (in the case of a right-handed player) be erect or slightly
bent?'”

“That would depend,” quibbled Minerva. “Does it refer
to legs like Diggle’s and Aiken’s, or tike Harverson’s and
Reece’s?”

“Don’t prevaricate.”

“There’s a catch somewhere in that one, isn’t there?

Why do they specially mention a right-handed player if
there is not? Anyway, I give that up. I have not studied
legs much in relation to billiards. I thought it was more
a question of arms and hands and eyes.”

“‘Frequently.'” I read, “‘when the ball is tucked under
a cushion and I have to play on an object ball at some distance
I miss entirely, although my aim seems to be all
right. Can you explain this and say what is the remedy?'”

“Oh, that is quite a simple one. All he has got to do
is to let the tuck out. I mean he must take the ball from
under the cushion and move it to a new position further out
on the table to give him a better chance of hitting it
straight. I always do that myself when I am playing.”

“Indeed! So that is how you score, is it?”
“Oh, it is ever so much easier playing doing it that way!
Have you never thought of that simple plan? You poor
boy! Why, it occurred to me almost from the first time I
took up cue.”

“I daresay. Let us proceed. If you were to follow
these instructions what should you be trying to do?:—
‘Place the ball on the centre spot of baulk and the left foot
beneath the cushion rail. Next make your bridge nine
inches behind the ball and bring your cue up against the
ball. The upper part of your arm should now be horizontal
and the forearm vertical. If the forearm is not vertical
adjust the hand to make it so, still leaving the cue touching
the ball.'”

“That sounds like a bit out of the Health Culture book,”
observed Minerva. “What is it about?”

“That is what I want you to tell me.”

“I suppose it has nothing to do with the Italian manoeuvres
in Tripoli? “she tentatively asked.” You are really
playing the game?”

“What should you be trying to do, following those
instructions?” I repeated.

Minerva moved over to the billiard table and placed a ball
in the position indicated.” Which spot must I put my left
foot o n? “she asked doubtfully, measuring with her eye
the height of the table from the floor.

“Beneath the cushion rail.”

“Right O. Only do be quick, dear. I can’t stand on one
leg all night.”

“You place your foot on the ground, not in the air.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so at first. What next?”

“Make your bridge nine inches behind the ball.”

‘Bring your cue up against the ball.’ There”! Now, what
is the correct distance from the butt end to hold the cue?”

“How should I know? Don’t introduce something new.
Let us get on with this first. What am I supposed to he
doing posing for my photo like the lady on the from
cover?”

“No, my child, you are demonstrating the answer to
question 6.”

“And what is question 6?”

“What is the correct distance from the butt end to hold
the cue?”

“Well, how should I know…. Oh, I see. But, I say.
that isn’t fair. How can I pass the exam, if you give me
the answers to do instead of the questions?”

“As a matter of fact you have not passed,” I informed
her; “you have failed in every question.”